M y . L i f e

“I went for years not finishing anything. Because, of course, when you finish something you can be judged.”

― Erica Jong

I know that most likely this writing piece (or any of my pieces) will not be noticed by the public eye. It’s not my intention to sound sad and depressed or sound like I just sit on my ass all day not doing anything with my life but it’s something I just want to talk about.

M y . L i f e

Where I’m from, they are toxic as hell. Yes, I’m sounding like a hater for my own city but there’s a reason why most of the artists or black celebrities don’t even come back to New Orleans. I feel like as a community we should be able to come together and say “Hey, the youth actually has potential and it shouldn’t be taken lightly.” In my eyes, the entire world is so shaded by the media that it gets everyone's priorities messed up. You can’t even be able to support your community without someone hating you. And I know what I said about “If someone hates you, you’re definitely doing something right.” But let’s go even more in depth on what I feel like made me overthink on life.

The Shade Room.

I don’t even have to go into description but it’s like yeah I get that their name is literally what they are all about, but it’s literally making our community look ignorant and bad. I know someone might find this and be a “Reckless Roommate” and talk about me nonstop. But personally, I don’t care because if you let a media take over your mind, you’re already dumb as hell. I’m not ranting, I’m just being honest. I had to unfollow them because of how messy they truly are. And because of how much popularity that specific Instagram is, they make us look like we are just bad people. But I’m not changing for nobody.

I’ll feel like a dead girl walking when I have to change myself just to please others. I don’t mean to tell you about my business but we’re just going to cover a little. Honestly, I love to party and have fun with people. I’m literally the life of the party in my friend group. But the problem is this. Lately, I have been letting the opinions of others and how I present myself get to me. It’s like I can’t even be myself without someone questioning me. But every black woman celebrity can perform half naked on stage doing way more than what I do. Wassup with that? Lil Kim was rapping when she was sixteen.

This is beginning to sound like a little rant, but it’s just so true. Yes, I made some mistakes. I do regret it, but I’m not gonna let my mistakes make me. Similar to when people decide to come at celebrities by going far down and seeing things they said before like that made them. I hate it when people say, “ain’t this you?” Yes, it’s me with my middle finger in the air, so what it doesn’t build me. Personally, I don’t care. We all had our cringe moments and we think about and we’re like “What the hell were we thinking?” And don’t lie, you would squirm and squinch until you’re looking like you’re sucking on a sour candy.

My favorite song by Eminem is ‘Till I Collapse. Maybe it’s just the fact that I like serious songs. Or the fact that every song in my playlist is mostly fuel to me and is the reason why I am writing this. Maybe it’s just the fact that I use my anger as fuel and just push on. I got a lot of lyrics that I felt in that song but, my favorite lyrics from that specific song is “But in this industry I'm the cause of a lot of envy… So when I'm not put on this list the sh*t does not offend me… That's why you see me walk around like nothing's bothering me… Even though half you people got a f**kin' problem with me… You hate it but you know respect you've got to give me…” When he came into the game, people were really jealous of him because he was a good rapper. The reason I underlined a part because it’s like everytime people see me, I look chill or I’m like I really don’t care what people tell me, but I know a lot of people do not like me because I’m very controversial when it comes to my writing or my streaming.

When you stand out from everyone, you’re weird and you aren’t meant to be in society. I’ve been called millions of names for just screaming on Twitch and not talking in my inside voice. But I am having fun and being myself. Yes I am shy, but when I am gaming or writing. It’s like an escape to me. It makes me feel like the world just stops and I am able to be in a safe haven. I call it home to be honest. If you don’t watch me on Twitch, you should. People say I am a funny person and I make something boring into something that is supposed to be fun and exciting. I literally played a game of Roblox and made it seem like I was playing a real scary game that is worth 60 dollars.

On some occasions, it’s hard for me to sit and actually talk to people without feeling “That person is going to leave me.” That is what high school taught me. Move in silence. I don’t have to let everyone know everything about me because they don’t. Yeah I might sprinkle a little seasoning but nobody knows everything. I was on the phone with one of my friends from high school and he said he paid attention to me and noticed that I was editing videos while in class. He noticed how I would be consistent with my content writing or not. I remember my all time dream was to be the first Black female protagonist of the Grand Theft Auto Franchise. I came with an origin story for her and everything. But it will never be shared with the public because it sucks.

Okay let’s cut the crap. The reason why I wrote this blog was because I was angry. I was angry because lately I have been run over like I am some weak minded human being. But these people are wrong. I am not broken, I’m not delusional, I’m not sensitive. I am one of the strongest people in this freaking world. I hate it when people say “Oh we were just joking Lesi.” No you weren’t there’s a difference between joking and bullying. I hate how this generation normalized that bullying is considered jokes when it can literally hurt a person. Especially when you get too personal. But I’m not that person who takes “jokes” lightly. I’m not that person who’s gonna sit and let people run me over any longer. If they want to start with me. It’s war. But I don’t mean wasting my time arguing with them from sunrise to sunset anymore. I’m going to shine. And I’m going to go even harder so these people would know how much I am improving and how nonchalant I will be from now on. Yes I know the person I used to be is still here because she isn’t going anywhere. The only thing she will be doing is improving. And to everyone who reads this and says rude, disrespectful things about me or the way I write, remember this…if you go left, I’ll go right, if you go low, I go high and if you hit hard, then I’ll hit HARDER.

You want Lesi, you got her.